Dunkin’ Donuts Hates America

Spoiler Alert: I’m not going to say one word about coffee.

I don’t normally eat breakfast — in fact, I try not to be awake at that time of the day — but I was starving on my commute (a 15 minute walk) this morning. Lunch was three hours in the future, so I dropped into my friendly neighborhood donut shop. It seemed like a better choice than the gas station.

Standing in line, anxious to purchase blueberry muffin with large granules of sugar baked into the browned, delectable crust, I saw a sign of the upcoming apocalypse: a cardboard display for what they called a “Milky Way Hot Chocolate“.

This is the point where Dave Barry would swear that he were not making this up, but this is the digital age and I’m hipper than he is, so I’ll just provide a hyperlink.

Would that I could have been a fly on the wall at that board meeting!

Generic Executive (henceforth “Atilla”): *standing in front of a whiteboard* I hate everything.

Chairman (henceforth “Ghengis”): You’re right, Atilla, the world should drown in its own filth. Faster than it is, I mean. *murmurs of agreement from board members, most of whom have goatees*

Atilla: But I don’t want to get my slightly-expensive suit dirty. *more agreement* There just has to be some way for a dedicated group of rich pudgy caucasian men to erode all that is humane and wholesome. Other than letting minority groups who aren’t hurting anybody do what they want. I mean, this is Massachusetts and we are a for-profit enterprise.

Ghengis: I have to admit, that was what I was thinking. I hear good things about superplagues though. And bombs.

Atilla: Bombs are just a fad. Viruses are trendy for a reason, I have to say, but we all kinda suck at biology, don’t we? *nervous whispers. Ghengis is visibly displeased* Never fear though, because I have something that should knock ’em dead. *Writes on board: “Candy Bar + Hot Beverage = Civilization“* The Milky Way Hot Chocolate. *audible gasps from the board*

Ghengis: …Is that what I think it is?

Atilla: You’re damn right. People will die of diabetes, heart disease, and gingivitis faster than they can say “Diseases of excess”!

Ghengis: My sleeping god, you’re right!

Atilla: Oh, I know… MUAHAHAHAHA



Okay, maybe that’s not how it actually transpired. But if it is you heard it here first.

In response to the inevitable question, did I man up and try it for science? No I didn’t. I thought about it, but then I remembered what happened to me when I tried the Cherry Lime Sobe Coolatta one hot day last summer. I focused on my mission, and left with just a pastry.

I wish I were making that last bit up.


Mutant Cocktails #2: Cream Sherry Flip

Well. I’m drinking a cocktail I just made and despite being both a biologist and a budding statistician, I think I may contract salmonella tonight (around 1/20,000 chance). Oh well. At least I’ll have a blog post to show for it.

I got through the first hurdle of my grad school qualifying exam today! So to celebrate, I opened up a bottle of sherry I got recently (the cheap stuff, but hush, it’s my first time) and decided pretty soon after pouring off a taster size portion into my wine glass that 1) port is better and 2) maybe I should’ve spent more than $4.49 on the sherry. Now what to do with a whole bottle that I don’t particularly want to drink from again. I’ll definitely cook with it a bit, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to make cocktails out of the stuff too. A quick Google search tells me that Cream Sherry Flips are the most common cocktail made with cream sherry… but it involves an egg.

Cream Sherry Flip

2½ oz Cream Sherry
2 tsp Table Cream
1 tsp Simple Syrup (2:1)
1 Fresh Egg

Instructions: In a cocktail shaker combine sherry, cream simple syrup and an egg. Shake vigorously (or use a stick blender) for 30 seconds. Add ice and shake again for 30 more seconds. Strain in to a mug or coffee cup and sprinkle with nutmeg.

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My mother, green tea, and the Chinese Communist Party

Upon going to college I realized a lot of habits I had taken for granted as being normal was actually only true for the bizarre family environment I grew up in. Apparently normal people do take showers and that the showerhead isn’t just for decoration and poor urban households that couldn’t afford a bathtub. Apparently normal people don’t eat the unfortunate animals that decide to winter on your front lawn. Apparently normal people don’t go eeling on the weekends. And apparently normal mothers don’t drink an average of 4 teapots of green tea a day. I didn’t drink tea or coffee growing up, so I always shrugged it off as an adult thing. But after one of our first family vacations, I realized that normal families usually lugged around a camera instead of a portable tea container complete with shoulder strap and tea leaf filter.

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My Cappuccino Problem – an entirely true story

Generally speaking, I like my coffee like I like my women: strong, full, rich, and apocalyptically dark. Wait. What? That can’t possibly be true.

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Beer Nirvana

Echoing Neil — there is paradise on earth. It’s called 112 beers on tap. And we have notes to prove it!

Suffering slightly from beer ADHD, we figured we’d go with 2 tasting flights to start the night. Which lead to another flight. Which lead to two very happy liquid bloggers. The following notes are in chronological order and are exactly what we wrote down in the bar — meaning you probably shouldn’t take the last couple seriously. (Also, we need to figure out a better notes taking system that doesn’t look like I’m listening to an organic chemistry lecture in the middle of a bar).

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Paradise is in Allston

The scribes of this illustrious journal found enlightenment on Friday night, and, as I always half suspected, the key to happiness is more of a gnostic secret than a zen insight. It’s not fair, but worry not – you’re here now and I’ll share it with you.

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Uh… how do you store YOUR tea?

Y’mean not everyone keeps them in empty pork fu containers?

Pork Fu