Dunkin’ Donuts Hates America

Spoiler Alert: I’m not going to say one word about coffee.

I don’t normally eat breakfast — in fact, I try not to be awake at that time of the day — but I was starving on my commute (a 15 minute walk) this morning. Lunch was three hours in the future, so I dropped into my friendly neighborhood donut shop. It seemed like a better choice than the gas station.

Standing in line, anxious to purchase blueberry muffin with large granules of sugar baked into the browned, delectable crust, I saw a sign of the upcoming apocalypse: a cardboard display for what they called a “Milky Way Hot Chocolate“.

This is the point where Dave Barry would swear that he were not making this up, but this is the digital age and I’m hipper than he is, so I’ll just provide a hyperlink.

Would that I could have been a fly on the wall at that board meeting!

Generic Executive (henceforth “Atilla”): *standing in front of a whiteboard* I hate everything.

Chairman (henceforth “Ghengis”): You’re right, Atilla, the world should drown in its own filth. Faster than it is, I mean. *murmurs of agreement from board members, most of whom have goatees*

Atilla: But I don’t want to get my slightly-expensive suit dirty. *more agreement* There just has to be some way for a dedicated group of rich pudgy caucasian men to erode all that is humane and wholesome. Other than letting minority groups who aren’t hurting anybody do what they want. I mean, this is Massachusetts and we are a for-profit enterprise.

Ghengis: I have to admit, that was what I was thinking. I hear good things about superplagues though. And bombs.

Atilla: Bombs are just a fad. Viruses are trendy for a reason, I have to say, but we all kinda suck at biology, don’t we? *nervous whispers. Ghengis is visibly displeased* Never fear though, because I have something that should knock ’em dead. *Writes on board: “Candy Bar + Hot Beverage = Civilization“* The Milky Way Hot Chocolate. *audible gasps from the board*

Ghengis: …Is that what I think it is?

Atilla: You’re damn right. People will die of diabetes, heart disease, and gingivitis faster than they can say “Diseases of excess”!

Ghengis: My sleeping god, you’re right!

Atilla: Oh, I know… MUAHAHAHAHA

Ghengis: MUAHAHAHAHA

All: MUAHAHAHAHA

Okay, maybe that’s not how it actually transpired. But if it is you heard it here first.

In response to the inevitable question, did I man up and try it for science? No I didn’t. I thought about it, but then I remembered what happened to me when I tried the Cherry Lime Sobe Coolatta one hot day last summer. I focused on my mission, and left with just a pastry.

I wish I were making that last bit up.

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